by Garrett Coble
Breakfast. BLTs. Sir Francis Bacon.
You may be pondering what could possibly link these three seemingly random terms. The common denominator is only the greatest word in the English language: bacon. Some may argue that beer provides proof God wants us to be happy, yet I would strenuously object. Bacon, that food which stands at the pinnacle of all other sustenance, surely provides proof that humans are meant to exist in a blissful state. However, this key aspect of life is being cheapened at Millsaps; our happiness is under attack. Across campus, students are being served Major Burgers topped with a cheap imitation of bacon no thicker than printer paper. I will no longer stand for this travesty of Reubens. Change is in order.
I myself observed the lie that is Reuben’s bacon only last week. After a grueling practice, I wandered over the pub to take advantage of the Reuben’s hot option. Yet when I received my Major Burger, my heart audibly broke at the sight of the sickly thin strips of “bacon” defiling my burger. Consuming the burger just didn’t feel right, the long-term effects even direr. The grass wasn’t quite as green, my already weak mustache failed, and my love for America and freedom waned. All that was good and right in the world didn’t seem quite so wonderful any more.
“The only thing I hate more than lying is skim milk, which is water lying about being milk.”
Some of you may write off this reaction as insane musings. However, great men before me have felt as much and with them, I justify my stance. To quote Ron Swanson, “The only thing I hate more than lying is skim milk, which is water, lying about being milk.” To further the claim of this great man, I would add that Reuben’s bacon is lying about being bacon. Legally, I do not believe something so puny could be classified as bacon, but that is a question for lawyers.
Luckily, as I write this, students have begun taking action to free us from this faux bacon tyranny. Talk has even circulated of the formation of a special interest group, the Big Bacon Committee, who will lobby the student government to further the interests of bacon-lovers campus wide. To them, I can simply tip my hat in sincere gratitude, as this is an issue dear to my heart. I believe this issue so pressing as to even bring Ron Swanson, aforementioned embodiment of all that is man, behind the government. Should they take up this battle, I will finally be able to support the SBA in good conscience. As students, we must petition our representatives to take a stand. I will petition alongside you, my fellow students.
Give me thick bacon, or give