by Abed Haddad
contributor

After my morning shower, I often look at my wet body in the mirror and just think “DAYUM!” I mean, it’s always a good day to be me, what with my tight flowing curls, ever-glowing dark skin, and subtle bulge. And oh, do trust this come easy. You best believe I was born with it. I don’t need no Maybelline.

Let’s compare this nubile beauty to that basic stagnancy some call a “look.” GAZE at these slender legs in all their glory. Even the hair covering them has a certain sheen. STUDY the way that carabineer rocks left and right on my hips, jingling that tune like you never heard before. INDULGE in that profound fluttering of my curled lashes, selling y’all hopes and dreams with every blink.

Lemme break it down for y’all! Have you seen me at the HAC, like ever? Yeah, that’s because I’m serving y’all student realness furnished with a high metabolism. No shade, but have you seen the academic looks I’m pulling daily? Clutch your chest and evoke the name of the Lord every time you see me strutting down the hall, because you will never FEEL such deep luxury waves again in your life.

Oh please, you know it’s gotta be one lose-lose situation when some peeps try to stack against all this. Yes, ma’am! I’m coated in twenty-four karat poise and elegance, never a crusty, stale presence. I’m that whiff of Febreeze freshness in the ratchet gas station bathroom on your way home. No side-road sludge was used in the making of this body, no sir; you know God was putting premium purchases on his platinum the day he made me.

*drops mic*