by Garrett Coble
My fellow Millsapians, we have been infiltrated.
Over our summer break, one of history’s most vilified and infamous groups sunk its claws into our beloved institution, compromising the very safety of the education for which Millsaps receives acclamation. A single email, entitled “Membership Application,” set in motion this chain of events; the email, openly signed by the Illuminati, promises multimillion-dollar compensation for those willing to tamper with destiny. The email read:
“Do you desire Wealth,Riches,Fame,Spot light,Powers [sic], Unlock your destiny by joining the illuminati order today and earn $250,000 for member loyalty and $1,000,000 for championing the course of destiny. If Interested contact us.
Copyright 2014 Illuminati.
Despite the obviously stellar member rewards program and the opportunity of receiving a limited edition Illuminati “Spot light,” working as an invisible hand in order to manipulate my fellow Majors seemed horrifying. Unfortunately, a move this brazen can only mean this group feels a certain safety in the Millsaps environment.
Here, in this spin-free section of the Purple & White, we actively combat those who would encroach on our destinies. We uphold the ideals of transparency and a healthy opposition to any group frequently discussed on The History Channel. Furthermore, we willingly take on the burden of helping our loyal Millsapians remain alert to this threat.
With little evidence from which to draw conclusions, our in-depth inquiry began with a basic question: Who are the Illuminati? The group’s name, the plural of a Latin word meaning “enlightened,” originally signified a Bavarian secret society. Since this time, the Illuminati have allegedly remained active; it has been accused of infiltrating the Catholic Church, the United Nations, and even our own country’s chief office. Clearly, Millsaps provides the capstone achievement to an already storied career of villainy. To prevent the toppling of our lifestyle, identifying the local leadership seems the logical first step. Considering the group’s history of infiltrating the highest levels of leadership in a given place, all signs point to the college administration.
Could Dean Katz be harnessing his gift of public speaking and his ability to chat opaquely about any topic to aid the Illuminati? On the other hand, an abundance of legal knowledge would likely have streamlined the process of copyrighting “Illuminati World.” While one can wonder why a group determined to creating a New World Order would suffer the pain of copyrighting anything, strong evidence exists that their movements are coordinated from a high-status member of the Millsaps community. In reality, attempting to answer this question only births more questions. How many members of the school’s administration are involved? Can we trust our own professors? Who amongst us students has been compromised? Will all copyrights be reset once the New World Order begins? Does the phrase “Illuminati Land” have a copyright already?
With a general idea of the leadership’s aliases here on campus, the next question is this: Why are they here specifically? Personally, I am not a believer in coincidence. Thus, the Illuminati revealing their presence coinciding with the recent war on American breakfast in the cafeteria cannot simply stem from chance. This fiendish group has chosen to attack the most important meal of the day as a method of breaking our morale The sudden ratcheting down on mug size and the increasing prevalence of turkey bacon simply acts as a means to gaining the upper hand in this war of nutrition. While I do intend to fight tooth and nail, the rarity of true bacon has taken its toll on the morale here in this spin-free zone.
Despite this headway, the Illuminati’s ultimate intentions remain unclear. Also, why choose Millsaps specifically? Do they believe Millsaps students possess the mental computing power required to change destiny? Have they already taken control of Jackson’s leadership? Does Millsaps’ writing-based curriculum provide just the sort of worker they need to ensure better grammatical quality in future recruitment letters? Though I cannot offer answers to these questions, I urge you, my friends, to resist the temptations of these fiends. Read up on their traditions. Watch The History Channel for ways to combat them. Most importantly, never back down. We will prevail.