by the opinions section staff
It is with a heavy heart today that the opinions section and the entire Purple and White family commemorate the loss of our opinions editor, Garrett Coble. No leads have surfaced as to whether Garrett stands as a victim of homicide or kidnapping, or whether he is truly and simply lost, possibly even at sea. The facts are that Garrett went missing yesterday, March 31, and has not been seen since. However, to quote several close friends, his antagonistic personality suggests an ending of homicide.
Authorities have remained rather tight-lipped regarding the incident, only identifying his dorm as a possible scene of struggle. While official reports disclosed little, an inside source shared several critical details related to the case. Said source revealed that, while no trace of Garrett was evident at the scene, an empty bottle of whiskey was found on his dorm table.
Forensics revealed more than one set of fingerprints and fatal amounts of an as-yet-unidentified poison on the bottle. Our source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, believes that the editor was likely poisoned and disposed of in an alternate location. Though an obviously tragic occasion, several close friends said, “It’s how he would have wanted to go.”
Authorities have released a preliminary set of possible suspects. Headlining this list are several well-known groups, such as the Millsaps pack of wild dogs, Reuben’s bacon supplier, and anyone he offended with his writing. Authorities acknowledge the size of the final category of suspects will likely cause a lengthy investigation.
Garrett was a self-described lover of freedom, both in markets and civil rights, as well as a bacon aficionado and aspiring mustache grower. Others have described him in less endearing terms, including misogynist, failing satirist, and generally an “asshole.” The Coble family has asked that those who wish to remember Garrett’s life make a donation in his name to the People Against Skim Milk Coalition (PASMC), as skim milk is water and simply lying about being milk.
Due to the circumstances surrounding the disappearance, the outlook is rather grim. We, of the opinions section, ask only that you fondly remember the times spent with Garrett, or fabricate some if you must. We like to think he rode Adam Smith’s invisible hand up to the big writer’s desk in the sky and currently sits complaining about something.
Just kidding, we all know he is someplace much warmer.