The Pumpkin Spice Girls: Return of the Spice

by Rachel Long
opinions assistant editor

Just when you thought you were safe, it comes creeping back up to strangle you with cinnamon-stained hands … that’s right, pumpkins spice is back to haunt the readers of the P&W with something scarier than ghosts: pumpkin pie being forced into unnatural forms. The council is back this week to try out a few more pumpkin spice treats (or tricks?) and give you the low-down on the strange workings of the pumpkin underground.

Pumpkin Spice Oreos

“Honestly, I don’t taste anything different, I think this is just a golden Oreo with the insides dyed orange,” said Keely Parker. The entire council agreed with this statement. Disappointing, because this was the most exciting prospect of the night. Unfortunately, though these were as good as any other Oreo, they couldn’t cut it in the pumpkin spice big leagues.

Pumpkin Spice M&Ms

Amy Evans spoke all of our minds when she said, “I’m not a fan of the M&Ms.” Catherine Arjet originally said, “I can’t get with it,” but two days later was found foraging in the ‘council chamber’ (reality: my room) with both hands full of these M&Ms. After this incident, Arjet wanted to amend her statement to reflect that she can, in fact, get with the pumpkin spice M&Ms.

Gabby Rincon said, “The M&Ms are kind of a disappointment. They’re tasty, but they also kind of taste like if you carved a pumpkin on cardboard and then ate the soggy pumpkin off of that.”

Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt by Chiobani

“It’s potentially a sad, beautiful, tragic, love affair,” Arjet pointed out, quoting Taylor Swift, who is possibly the most appropriate person to quote in an event involving both pumpkin spice and Greek yogurt.

This description proved accurate when all council members but Sarah Owen instantly loved the yogurt. “It tastes like the legitimate spices that go into a pumpkin pie, rather than just weird pumpkin flavor,” Isabelle Dillard pointed out. Owen had no comment, but the disgusted and slightly terrified look on her face said enough.

Pumpkin Spice Gum by Extra

Owen summed up the feelings of the group on this gum: “It makes me feel special because my breathe smells like a Yankee Candle, but it tastes horrible.” However, though Owen hated the taste of the gum, others felt that while the taste and texture of the gum were off-putting at first, it grew on you.

“It’s got a waxy feeling to it. It’s like you’re actually chewing a candle. But I like it,” Dillard said, while Parker mused that “my breathe smells like Pier 1 right now.”

Pumpkin Bread, homemade by Amy Evans

The news that Amy Evans had baked homemade pumpkin bread for this occasion was met with cries of joy after the many artificial interpretations of pumpkin spice. The bread was the biggest hit of the night, and Evans was met with tears of gratitude and admiration all around.

“It really makes me want to bake now,” Dillard said. Parker praised the bread, saying “It feels more like organic pumpkin and not canned.”

In the end, the council as a whole felt that this experiment was not without worth. Reflecting on the most pumpkin-filled night any of us had experienced before, each person was forced to question their stance on the pumpkin spice issue, and the council became divided.

“All things in moderation is what I’m taking away from this,” Dillard said.

Parker disagreed with her, saying, “I’m thinking go big or go home. This pumpkin stuff happens once a year, I have to capitalize on it while I can.”

Owen summed up her experience by adding “I think I may be allergic to pumpkin.”

Whitcomb managed to capture the night in one sentence reflective of every council members’ attitude at that point, no matter what their feelings toward pumpkin spice were: “I feel basically basic right now.”

I personally think that there is no problem with this fad, unless you’re allergic to pumpkin. Die-hard fans of pumpkin spice are often critiqued for their taste, but what’s wrong with pumpkin? I think it’s nice to live in a world where, if I want to eat ten different pumpkin spice flavored foods in one night, I can. I do think this fad is a little out of hand, but obviously enough people enjoy the flavor to make these strange combinations a success. I’m going to write pumpkin spice off as our society’s felix culpaand accept its persistent and far-reaching existence.

Gabby Rincon tied up the night with a cautionary tale. “If you say pumpkin spice in your mirror three times with the lights off, a girl in yoga pants with coffee in hand will appear in the mirror and talk about her cardio routine. Bloody Mary will be in the background taking notes on how to scare people.”

Happy autumn!