Meet Your Major: Alexandra Summer Melnick

by Arts & Life Team

  •       Alex Melnick prepared for college by learning all of the words to Jay-Z’s masterpiece “99 problems.” She did not research this school, nor visit Mississippi before her arrival. She does not regret this decision in the slightest.

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    She’s Thriving.
  •          When Alex Melnick was born, she crawled out of the earth like an Orc and went looking for Zachary Smith. She grew into her face.
  •       She has never had a roommate at college. This started a rumor that she conducted satanic rituals in her room driving away any would-be roommates. (She assures us these two facts are both valid, but sadly unrelated.)
  •       Alex Melnick has drank the tap water and lived. Nothing can kill her. She’s consumed rubbing alcohol and was completely unfazed by the experience.
  •  The editor hired her because it was far more dangerous to have her running loose on campus than have her in close quarters with him in the P&W office.
  •         It has been speculated that she has no internal monologue, and instead a terrifying and unending stream of “Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright” from the seminal OutKast song “Hey Ya!” This is the source of most of her strength.