Strategic Plan Additions: Remove Fences … Insert Moats

by Zachary Oren Smith
Editor in Chief

In response to growing complaints about the barbed wire gate skirting the campus, Millsaps’ board of trustees met last week to amend the Strategic Plan. After much discussion, the board agreed on a new plan. Under the “Strategic Goals” section between “Ad Excellentiam” and “Local and Global Experience and Influence,” it added “Remove Fences … Insert Moats.”

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Imagine Moats here.

In a press release, one member of the board speculated that “it will no longer be a wall preventing us from getting involved in the community … now it will just be five feet of water and a few alligators.” It is worth noting that the alligators, despite their presence at the meeting (there were five members of the National Association for the Advancement of Reptiles present), were not included in the final adjustment to the master plan, as the school must look deeper into alligator licensing issues.

            John Conway, head of security and tactical animal deployment, has been a continued advocate for an alligator pit that would surround the school. In an exclusive interview with the Purple & White, he said, “Sure, there would be the issue of alligators attacking students, but it would likely halt most car break-ins in the future.” He also speculated that it would be a natural way to lower the local raging raccoon population (RRP).

            The community’s response has been mixed. Many have expressed worry that children might mistake the alligator pits for swimming pools, but Else Works assures us that it would be a great way to teach the community of that great ruling paradigm, “survival of the fittest.” The suburb of Madison has applauded Millsaps College for its forward-thinking attitude and has expressed intensions of building a similar moat around their city to keep the “undesirables” out—in fact, Madison officials plan to take the technology even further, by giving the alligators head-mounted poverty seeking lasers.

            The digging is planned to commence as soon as the campus begins working “cross the street and around the globe.”