Miley Cyrus Twerking her way into the Hearts of Millions

by Kara Sowell

I’m sure that by now, most all of you readers have heard of Miley Cyrus’ new song and music video titled “Wrecking Ball.” Regardless of your personal opinion of her talent or trashiness, this particular video has broken the record for YouTube views on the music video account Vevo. With nearly 130,000,000 views, this video is undeniably…interesting.

First, I have to point out that I am much happier with this video and song in comparison to “We Can’t Stop.” The lyrics are comprised of grammatically correct sentences and the video at least makes sense. Sorry to those of you out there who were fond of the giant teddy bears and French fry skulls. I actually don’t feel guilty for enjoying this tune.

But don’t worry—Miley isn’t getting out scotch free with “Wrecking Ball.” There is plenty wrong with it. The following will be addressed in the form of a letter to Miss Cyrus:

Hey Miles, Question: Whenever “Hannah Montana was canceled, did they take away your closet? Were all of your clothes confiscated at the close of the show? Girl, you are NEVER wearing clothes. If you’re not parading around talk show appearances in Spanx and a letterman jacket, you’re swinging around in your skivvies. What are you going to do when winter comes around? Though your rebellious stage has taken hold, I don’t think that trotting around in your underwear will be good for your health (unless you plan to make frostbite the next trend). Bottom line: Use some of the millions you’re getting from your two newest singles and invest in a wardrobe.

We understand you’ve got a rockin’ bod…but let’s leave something to mystery, eh? You made time to throw on some fashionable boots before you hopped up on that wrecking ball…why not add a few extra elements to the mix, like pants and a shirt?

And the tongue. Oh girl. It’s time to be reminded that the angsty tongue thing has already been done. The lead singer of Kiss is going to sue you for the rights to that. I think the official count of times you stick your tongue out rebelliously in “We Can’t Stop” is nine. However, in “Wrecking Ball,” you’ve decided that your approach would be frenching with a sledge hammer. STOP. These habits of yours are no longer sanitary.

In short, Miley, focus a little more on your singing, and crafting lyrics that stray away from nonsensical rhymes and move toward emotion and cleverness. But if you want to keep doing what you’re doing, I guess that makes sense too, since that seems to be “twerking” for you for the time being.   P.S. Construction sites may never be the same for us ever again.

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