The War on American Breakfast

by Garrett Coble
opinions editor

There’s Coke, and then there’s Pepsi. There’s butter, and then there’s margarine. There’s coffee, and there’s decaf. There’s bacon, and then there’s turkey bacon.

Simply put, life is full of subpar substitutes that can never live up to the original’s quality and majesty. Unfortunately, the newly renovated Millsaps Cafeteria has defiled not only the coffee, but the bacon as well. In what can only be described as a war on American Breakfast, the cafeteria banished the thick, crispy bacon of old, replacing it with a soggy, undercooked imposter. Coffee has suffered a similar fate; once comparable in color and taste to slightly used car oil (a positive trait), this morning staple now resembles something closer to Jackson’s city water: light brown and tasting slightly of dirt.

Luckily, patrons don’t have to stomach much of the coffee at once, thanks to the shot sized coffee mugs introduced this fall. While I’ve never been described as a giant, it is particularly difficult not to feel Hagrid-esque when delicately sipping my morning brew from a cup the size of a child’s teacup. Furthermore, at an institution like Millsaps, sleep is the rarest of commodities, often enjoyed in small four- and five-hour increments. Given this fact, coffee stands nearly as vital as water. The total impact of this watered-down imposter and its miniature containers will likely manifest itself in plummeting participation grades due to students sleeping through classes and tests. Tangentially, one must wonder just how many matching Barbie tea-playtime sets the college must’ve bought to secure this new supply of mugs. Extending this logic, how many children will suffer this coming year from the shortage of Barbie tea-playtime sets? I implore the Student Body Association and the school at large: Think of the children.

As your center for administrative and governmental accountability and a due paying member of the Bill O’Reilly no-spin fan club, I cannot help but immediately blame the current administration and (student) political machine for these faults. This machine is only animated by one object: money. Has the national Super-PAC problem finally reached the collegiate level? A Mattel Super-PAC seems logical, especially given the reliance on the company’s cups to distribute coffee to students. Also, previous Gallup polls (seen here) have indicated that, while most voters oppose beverage size limits, Democrats are more likely to support beverage size limits[1]. This stands as just another example of an overly large government trampling of the American Dream, more specifically, the American Breakfast Dream. As always, the shadow-and-dagger Illuminati cannot be ruled out.

These concerns say nothing of the pork imposter which has overthrown bacon in the cafeteria. Considering the taste and texture of the “bacon,” Big Rubber lobbyists seem the most likely special interest group; producing this “bacon” would provide a consistent, stabilizing income stream. But I will not sit idly by and let this piece, nor any piece, of breakfast fall victim to political machinations. However, due to the diversion of the opinion section’s funds to fighting the Illuminati and paying our monthly Fox News dues (they charge monthly for classes on unbiased reporting and democrat shaming), I must implore the students to take action. Call on your senators. Write the student body president and appropriate administrators. Demand political reform and purging of Big Industry political interests from our breakfast.

After all, it is the most important meal of the day.

[1] The question posed specifically addressed sugary beverage size limits in restaurants.